Sunday, July 12, 2009

Fairy Tale

My fairy tale is embedded within a world of materialists
Everything I do is a function of my financial income
It is highly dependent on
My career
My boss
My monthly income
My financial stability
I have only a certain amount of say in
My ability to go for a vacation
My will to spend my weekends with loved ones
My desire for a new handphone, a GPS, a PlayStation
It affects almost everything
The financial limitation
The job requirement
It always comes first
Busy is a powerful word
It allows you to cancel a vacation
It allows you to be late for an appointment or a date
It allows you to not spend time with family, friends, loved ones
It allows you to not have proper meals
My fairy tale is embedded within a world of materialists


This is exactly what I mean when I say "the higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment"... I was just trying to protect myself from getting hurt...

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Addicted to Unhappiness, Obssessed with Depression

I was looking through my older blog posts under the label Random Thoughts and I discovered, there are many many people who cared about me whenever I write something gloomy and dark on my blog. There are the usual ShinYin, ShinTien, Robinson Crusoe (I don't know what's your real name.); the occasional SukTeng, BoonLee, Audrey, Azita and; sometimes some rare people whom I have lost contact with for God knows how long.

To these people, I want to say thank you, for always be there to advise, to talk, to pay attention, and most importantly, to listen. I've always known you guys will never leave me.

I've also discovered an old post written about almost a year ago. It totally explains how I felt for the past few days. I thought I'd let go. But the truth is, I didn't. I'm not even sure I tried. I'm addicted to unhappiness, obssessed with depression, because I think it's safer that way. That way, I won't get hurt. Come to think of it, it's kind of a miracle that I've lived for 25 years and never attempt to commit suicide. I guess I lack the courage to do so.

"What kind of living condition you've been through to have this kind of thoughts? Normal people wouldn't think that way. Did you have a bad childhood memory or something?" I didn't know what to answer to that. I was pretty upset listening to this. I felt so helpless and... I didn't like it that way.

And I remember I promised myself to write more happy thoughts in the future. I guess that didn't really work out. =P

I feel that people are drifting away from me. Or rather, I'm drifting away from people. I wouldn't know. Friends, close friend, etc... I beg you for not abandoning me, and not giving up on me. That is all I ask...

Thursday, July 9, 2009


Things are definitely not going well. I've no idea what the hell I want, I've no idea what the hell I'm thinking. Am I asking too much? Am I not matured enough? Am I not meant to be loved, thus not meant to love? Or is it just that we're not meant to be?

I completely understand that I'm being very difficult. And I'm being a total bitch. And that if this persist, he will eventually get tired of me, and leave me. And I will end up alone. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to accept another again. So there you go, single forever. Well I'm not being a pessimist (although most of the time I am). I just know.

This is not what I want. Yet, I don't know why I keep doing this. It's as if... as if subconciously I want that to happen, I want him to leave me. Sometimes I know it's wrong but I can't help doing it. It's like... it's like you know alcohol, or cigarettes, or drugs are bad for health but you can't help craving it.

Addiction. That's what it is, I guess. I'm addicted to feeling unhappy.

p.s. ShinTien mentioned to me recently that my blog is lacking its soul. She commented that I haven't written anything dark these days. Well I certainly hope this is dark enough for her.

Friday, July 3, 2009

My First Document Submission

After working with my current company for 5 months, I submitted my first document to client today. That's my initials right there, HSL and the P&ID (piping and instrumentation diagram) was issued for client's comments.

Well technically, it's not my P&ID because it is not actually designed by me. All I did was revise the line sizes and piping class, update the design and control logic based on the Engineering Director and the client's requirement etc etc. And yes, I made dozens and dozens of mistakes. =(

A colleague told me that she has been working for 6 months (she came in 1 month earlier than me) and she hasn't even submitted even one single document. Well I guess I'm lucky enough to have at least one project in hand. Anyway I think it would be a good opportunity to introduce my work cubicle.

This is my view sitting on my desk. Every morning the very first thing I do when I reach office is to switch on my PC and check my mail.

This at the dark corner is, obviously, the dustbin.

This is my desk phone and my P&ID corner, where I dump all the A3 size papers.

This is the place where I file up everything. Only the first two files are occupied. The rest are all empty. =P

These are my personal stuffs corner. Oats for breakfasts, lotion for smooth and healthy hands, cup for oats and Nescafe, and drinking bottle to avoid dehydration.

Well that's about it. It's not a bad place to work actually. Except that directly on my left would be my boss' office. And when he look at his computer screen I always feel as if he was looking at me. Haha... But well he's a nice boss. ;)